Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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