hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
