Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
