I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my being single is dangerous.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
