your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
