Me. At least after what I've been through.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
