Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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