happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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