We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
