You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Boobs speak an international language.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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