tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
