I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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