i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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