Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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