She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
