I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
