From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city