suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."