Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry