i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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