so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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