ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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