well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
