Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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