I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
