Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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