how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
