How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
