I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
