what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize