The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
