Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
