I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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