Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
