Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
