Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
