If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
