how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
