I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think my moral compass just broke
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
