I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
pray to the hookup gods
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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