You really coming over, don't trick.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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