Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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