She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
