You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
