I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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