That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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