Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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