he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
