Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
