i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
