just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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