I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
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best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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