Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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