you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
