i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
