Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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