Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
