my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
